But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
