And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
