Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
