Midget sex pt 2 tonight
This is not my ceiling
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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