Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
