I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
