You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
