i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
The power of my boobs compel you
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
