I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
