my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
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