i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
