Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
