I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
