I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
