I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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