My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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