the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
