why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
