I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
