You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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