Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Why is there bacon in the couch?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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