I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
