Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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