Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
