"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
