We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
