You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
