You smell like a Billy Joel song
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
