Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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