I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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