I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
