If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
