He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
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Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
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When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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