why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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