The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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