Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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