How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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