they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
