Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
