is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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