Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
