I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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