The maid of honor just puked.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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