No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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