you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
