Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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