I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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