Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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