So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
