I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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