I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Life is so much better after having sex.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
