You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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