You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I need to align my fucking chakras
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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