Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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