just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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