would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
