hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
