Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
