His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
